The Anguish is Gone

DATELINE: Ma'ale Adumim, Israel

I've been in Israel for about 66 hours now.  It's my first time back since we decided to make aliyah this coming summer.  And something feels very, very different.

The flight here was smooth, practically effortless, but it's so much more than that.  The transition to being in Israel this time has been totally seamless.  It feels completely natural to be here.  My Hebrew is still pathetic and I'm not even a citizen yet, but I belong to this Land in a way I never have before.  The tension is gone.  My soul is no longer split in two.  It's a most serene, centered, holistic state of being.

In the past, there was always joy in being here, but also a constant sense of deprivation, knowing that my time here was painfully limited.  I chaffed at the creeping deadline, aware that I was going to have to board a return flight much too soon.  And I had difficulty accepting that so many friends and acquaintances got to stay here but I didn't.  I'd like to think I wasn't petulant about it, but it did nick me every single time.  "Waah!  How come they get to live here and I don't?"  

You're right.  It does sound petulant.  But it was genuinely part of my experience.

I still have a return flight in a finite number of days, but the anguish is gone.  By the time we return to my alternate reality, there will be just a few months left before the big move and a thousand details demanding my attention.  I already sense that the remaining time is going to fly by.  My husband, the king of analogies, likens it to the end of a roll of toilet paper running out so much faster once there's not so much left.

This I know.  On this trip, when I cry, it won't be because my soul is being shred to bits. 

Those days, with Gd's great kindness, are behind me.