Friday, June 04, 2010

The Right To Cry When Saying Goodbye

Such waves of emotions (in alphabetical order - fear of staying in America much longer, emuna, excitement, grief, panic, pride in my people and in my ancient/new country, especially this week and stress) are roiling within these days that it's no wonder I'm not sleeping too well.  Thanks to my deeply insightful, spiritual role-model friend Leah, I see that I am being given yissurim (suffering, trials) in advance of our aliyah in order to earn my future life in Israel.

It is not easy to disengage from a whole life lived elsewhere. Will it be worth it? No question. But that doesn't make it easy.

A friend in Israel who must have made aliyah when she was very young, recently said to me, "I never realized, it just never hit me, how much unraveling a person has to do when they make Aliya. In my immature and idealistic view, you just make the decision and come."

Ha!  Would that that were so.  My to-do list seems to get longer each day.  The days pass so swiftly that I am caught short-winded.  The pinpricks of emotion are getting more frequent.

I know, from the years I have already lived, that the moment of parting might be painful, like the ripping off of a band aid, but soon after, I will feel better.  In 32 days, I will feel better.

But now, it really is hard.  And I don't want any of my long-settled friends in Israel to try to convince me it's not.  There are a lot of goodbyes to say - to people, places and things that have been part of my life for so long, I can't remember ever not having them.  And goodbyes to newer relationships that I lack the time to nurture, places I'll likely never visit now and things I won't have in my home anymore.  I'm more than willing to say goodbye to all that.

But I reserve the right to cry when saying goodbye.

1 comment:

rutimizrachi said...

I'm not sure if my tears as I read this are empathetic or utterly selfish. It is still painful not to see the faces of people I love (though I speak with some of them more now on Facebook than I ever did when we lived in coffee distance). I always wonder why people arguing against The Reasons People Don't Make Aliyah (such as fear of the unknown, fear of unemployment, fear of being killed) don't ever tackle Missing People You Love.

May it never stop being difficult.